Born again

Naked, I stood trembling and in awe before the terrible and magnificent Throne of Judgement. How long had I been there, huddled in a ball of regret and shame? I had just arrived yet I had always been there.

A staircase of translucent ivory towered before me, rising into unfathomable heights that defied the very dimension of space. Its every step was flanked by turbulent flames of gold, emitted from Seraphic wings, and myriads of Ofanim eyes stared down upon my nakedness until I felt there was nothing of me left for them to pierce.

At that moment, engulfed in timeless eternity, I was horribly aware of all the failings of my mortal flesh, of all the errors of my hoary soul. My entire being ached to ascend the stairs, to prostrate myself before my Lord of the Zebaot; yet the fire of the Seraphim burned me and the many-eyed Cherubim put me to shame with their immaculate, youthful stares.

I dragged a long cry of dismay from my very depths – if only I had known before, if only I had remembered all along!

The Lord Schamaim did not speak to me. It was I who passed His sentence unto me.

I plunged through utter blackness, tearing through the veils of matter and void. The concept of time and space closed in around me life an iron hand, threatening to snuff out all hope in me. The dimensions closed in over me like deep, heavy waters.

I saw the root of the planetary Zephirots and travelled down the branches of the astral tree, emerging like an errand spark through the Asteroid Belt.

I fell with dizzying speed through the soundless expanse. The sole page of the Celestial Book lay bare and bright before me but, soon, its letters began to fade until I could no longer read a single word.

In terror of this new blindness I crashed, wailing and vainly clawing up, through the constellation of Leo. The fetters of the soul sprang out and latched onto me, encasing me in all things unrefined – mindless pride and futile arrogance, all the tormenting, short-sighted fears. 

The haze grew denser and, for the first time, I knew feelings I had known so many times before. I felt apart, alone and unique, as I were pulled in by the Moon’s glaring eye. I entered through the Dark Side and emerged from the Sea of Tranquility, covered in lunar dust.

For a moment, all was still and I stood gasping for breath before the blue orb of the Earth. Its alien allure mesmerized my soul. Whispered memories of love, of those passions that consume, stirred within that sparkling husk wherein I lay trapped, rendering me inert, unable to cry out “you once knew more!”. 

After all, I was already starting to forget…

The magnetism of the Earth lifted me into the air once more and I gave up myself to its powerful allure. Like a comet, I ripped through cloud and sky, leaving a trail of flaming stardust in my wake. Blinding colors rushed in to flood my vision and my every sense and a mortal crust began forming over me, all too agreeing with the secret yearnings of my soul. 

My movements were enchained and all these colors, these shimmering Earth sights, broke up my vision of the One and I could no longer hear the echoes of the world. 

Shrieking like the damned, set ablaze as I neared the Earth, I felt a part of me – my better half – being torn away by force. I saw it fly across the globe and reached out to hold it but my fingers, by then, were too dense to hold such a subtle thing.

I cursed myself for being such a fool and surrendered to the Fate I had brought upon myself. Even as I fought to stay awake, merciful oblivion started to set in and there was nothing I could do. I desperately tried to think of a code-word that would contain all, an agonized last warning that could, somehow, bring me back to myself.

Yet, even as that secret word was formed it was lost to me; and just before I forgot whence I came and who I was, I remember a voice saying:

“It’s a boy!”

I cried with a voice that was alien to me, I wailed with a sound that couldn’t have been mine.

And then I knew no more.